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Dani and I just got back from a two week trip to Italy. I made a post about how my mental health was actually worse on vacation that resulted in some cool conversations with people who can relate. I figured I'd expand on that a bit more for this week's newsletter.
I started to feel some of those old, familiar feelings of depression. I had conflicting feelings. I was restless and ambitious, wanting to change everything and being mad at the world. Then, I also had this desire to slow down the pace of my life and have some deep rest. I kept toggling between the two throughout the trip. I got inexplicably crabby and short. I was looking around at all of these happy people. People smiling and laughing, drinking their alcohol, eating their pasta and taking their selfies. But, I didn't feel those feelings and started to wonder if something was wrong with me.
I'm supposed to be enjoying this, right?
At the beginning of the trip, I tried to keep these feelings to myself. I didn't want to bum Dani out. But she could tell and pressed me. Once I shared, the entire tone of the rest of our trip changed. I didn't feel the pressure to have a good time, and I ended up having a better time.
It turns out she can relate, too.
This wasn't a new feeling for me. I've had it before. I was deep in my depression during a trip to St. Croix in April 2021. Covid and political unrest in Minneapolis made an already bad mental state quite a bit worse. I had a heavy duty meltdown. Complete with spiking my sunglasses. I also had a jet lag meltdown when I first got to Italy when I studied abroad there during my junior year of college.
I think I experienced these feelings on this trip in part because I haven't drank in over a year. Alcohol was a common part of vacations that would numb some of that pain. It was mostly delaying it for a tidal wave of "Sunday Scaries." But I didn't give myself the option to NOT feel these feelings.
That said, the main driver of this mental situation I was in on this trip to Italy was obvious. I had just completely flipped my lifestyle on it's head. My sleep was insane and my diet completely changed from clean, whole foods to loads of refined carbs and sugar. Refined carbs aren't quite the same in Italy, but I'd had virtually no gluten in the 49 days leading up to this trip. I went from exercising 90+ minutes per day to getting a couple bodyweight moves in here and there.
I went from being disciplined to a dopamine fiend. I was chasing dopamine all day, which results in a subsequent drop in dopamine. I was controlling the highs, which gave me lows. During my 75 hard, I've been controlling the lows, which gives me highs.
Since the cause of these feelings was so obvious, it was actually relatively easy to brush them aside. They certainly weren't fun things to feel, but when I can very clearly define the cause and have a light at the end of the tunnel, it's much easier to endure.
It was also a good reminder of something one of my old therapists told me. Depression and enjoying things in life aren't mutually exclusive. You can have depression on vacation and have a good time on vacation.
I really did have a great time.
Typically, my vacation depression comes in the form of dreading going back to real life. The reduction in stress from getting away is extremely noticeable, and it's hard to let go of. I have a compulsion to pick at any and all blemishes on my body, whether it's acne or not. It's worse when I'm stressed. I often have scabs on my face and back as a result. I almost always come home from vacation with clear skin.
But this time was different. I was grieving the loss of my routine. Almost like having withdrawals. I was able to flip that around into a positive. This means the the life I have created at home is a good one. My mind and body appreciate it. I'm still getting things dialed in. I'll always be learning. I'll still always want to go on trips to learn and explore. But, that's the dream. To enjoy home life that much. To where it's better than vacation.
I learned in a work training that taking time off shouldn't be for rest, it should be for play. You should be controlling your need for rest while you are working through balance. I think the realization I'm coming to is that we tend to chase pleasure-filled vacations as opposed to meaningful vacations. The result is that we return to work even more burnt out.
Though I had some tough feelings on this trip, I had an incredibly meaningful experience with my wife that I'll never forget. And for that reason, I think it was a perfect vacation.
Do you have any questions on this article? Do you have any topics you'd like to see covered in the future? Email me at jack@leaveitcinders.com and let me know!
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